I’m sorry but we can’t be friends if…
You can’t find humour in every situation
If someone asked me what I appreciate most about being my #bff’s #bff then my immediate answer would be the fact that our sense of humour knows no bounds. I realise that most of my friends have this quality, my sister is the worst when it comes to this and Mphatso, who I only met a couple of months ago has perhaps the most morbid sense of humour of anyone I know…and I love it. There’s just something so powerful about a giggle in the middle of a storm. I like to laugh but more than that I realise how crappy life is and the best way to get around it is to laugh it off. Lighten up, we’re all going to die anyway. Why so serious?
You’re not a little judgemental
I’m a very reactive person. I am also a very attentive person, I don’t try to be, it’s in built. And my reactions are usually very prompt and most times if you have missed it, you’ve missed it. I just need you to be a attentive and as reactive as I am. I can’t count the number of times that I and a friend saw something and immediately had a nonverbal conversation about it. Now, here I don’t mean full on judge people’s choices-no. I mean see something ridiculous, register that it is in fact ridiculous then we can have an ocular conversation about it. Simple.
You don’t have a few screws loose
I’m a bit of a nut case. Of course this will always depend on who I’m with. But I need you to be some level of crazy if we’re going to be friends. This can range from being fake British and giving each other British names ( shoutout Kaluba, Hilma, Mphatso) to going wedding dress shopping when you know for a fact you are single as a bee (I miss you Busie). Point is you just need to have a little crazy in you for us to get along.
You don’t have proper home training
This one is a little tricky because you will never find anyone who was raised quite the same way that you were but there’s basic principles that are taught at home that people must have. Don’t be nasty to house help and waiters that is always the worst. I know someone I thought I could be friends with but I saw the way she spoke to a cleaner once and that was it…never again. Andizi. Be kind, say please, say thank you, say sorry. Regard authority. Manners are beautiful. That shit matters.
You are not open minded
The world is big and new ideas and phenomena are bound to come in that we previously didn’t know about. The instinct is to cut these “strange” sensations off because we don’t know them and we tend not to give them a chance. I like people who will try something and then decide they do not like it over people who will completely shoot something down. I’m such a live and let live person and if something really does not affect your livelihood, just let it be. I have a friend who I met while I was in Lusaka. What I value most about him is his progressive thinking, how willing he us to accommodate ideas even when they are not what he is used to.
You don’t value growth
I love watching people grow. It’s beautiful, it’s like an art form unfolding on its own. Whenever I speak of growth, I think of my friend Shirley…without going into a lot of detail. I first met Shirley in 2014 then we became real friends in 2015. I watched Shirley grow through her party girl phase, I watched her fall in love, I watched her get hurt, I watched her forgive people who hadn’t even asked for forgiveness and I watched her become the person she is today. And today she’s this strong person, dead set on what she wants, mature af and sometimes I can’t even find that girl that I met 6 years ago. She has grown but her heart remains the same.
We can’t be honest with each other
If at any point, I am scared to tell you the truth about something, then something in the relationship id amiss. I need you to tell me when I’m lying to myself, when I’m being unreasonable, when I am biting off more than I can chew. I need that. Because I should be doing the same for you! If that guy/girl you’re dating aint shit, I should be able to tell you. And if my third belly is seeping out of my top, you should be able to tell me.
You are perfect
Hayi kabi. If your life is too together or seems too together, I can’t be around that. Because the truth is noone’s life is perfect but if you choose to spend time showing me and anyone else how great your life is then…I’m sorry. I don’t need that kind of pressure. I know somebody who just lies UNPROVOKED about a lot of things to a point where our entire relationship is them lying to me and me smiling and nodding coz frankly I no longer care enough to do anything else about it. Just be honest, let us bond over mutual terrible choices, let’s cry over the opportunities we missed, the lovers we turned away, the lovers who turned us down. Just tell the truth!