I haven’t written anything blog related in over three months and for that I apologise. If you are reading this, thank you for your patience. Someone recently told my sister they enjoyed reading my posts (all few of them lol) and I decided to get back on this. I asked some of you when you would like to read and the most popular response was Wednesday, so here we go.
I haven’t been okay. I mean I have but I haven’t REALLY been okay. About 9 months ago, I finished school, (yes ukufunda akupheli but you know what I mean) and I have had the craziest, most confusing 9 months of my life mostly because I have been very sheltered most of my life and am only starting to be a whole person now.The highs have been high, they’ve been awesome, then the lows have been really low and someday I might even be brave enough to want to talk about some of them.
See,my whole thing is this,when something big happens for me or to me, I push it to the back of my mind, especially if its something negative. I force myself not to confront it because I always tell myself it will go away eventually. I ignore things out of existence and as soon as I go 24 hours without thinking about it, I convince myself that everything is good now.
So I did this for 9 months, I ignored everything and I just kept going. I go through a breakup? I keep going. I find out same guy is engaged five months later?(but ilife irough liyazi) Still I keep going. I lose a friend or two in the process? I keep going. I miss out on opportunities that I really wanted? I keep going…But that’s just the thing with the way I supposedly handle things. I am like a moderately oiled machine, throw clogs at it and it will keep running but eventually, when the machine stops running, you will need to go back and one by one remove all the clogs regardless of how long you have been functioning with those clogs on.
I can pinpoint the day my machine stopped working. I was mid conversation with a friend then I just started crying. My friend wanted an explanation, why was I crying? I didn’t have one. My machine had finally caved in. So I got home and my machine and I had to have a talk. I sat myself down and told myself “Babe, you have run as far as you could, now can we deal with all that’s happened?” So I started to pick out the clogs one by one.
The break up: Is this someone I wanted in my life? No
The engaged ex: Did I see myself in that present moment as someone’s wife? Absolutely not (I mean I’m still the girl who needs her hand held when she crosses a busy street)
The lost friendship: Was this partnership bettering me in any way? No
The missed opportunity: Is there anywhere else I would rather be than where I am right now? Still no
I had given myself the time to face these things one by one in the reality of their circumstances and once I was honest with myself and not trying to avoid even the slightest thought about these things, my machine was ready to run again. And it did.
We are all moderately oiled machines, sure we run but sometimes we get clogged, sometimes we run out of oil and sometimes some parts just won’t work. The key is always to experience the moment, no matter how bad you think it is. Looking the other way just gives you more stuff to deal with when you eventually put your sight back on the prize.
Experience it. Feel it. Immerse yourself in it. If it hurts, let it hurt, if it stings, let it. Feel your pain, feel your grief, your hurt, anger , disappointment. Feel all of that because at the end of the day, you can’t heal something that you didn’t feel and you can’t fix something whose wrongs you never really experienced